Only God...

I heard on a radio program the other day that many times with the loss of a child that a marriage dies shortly after that. The announcer stated it very matter of factly. I had heard this before. My sister just got back from a weekend getaway with her husband... They had a wonderful time and the romance they rekindled was just glowing from her as I spoke to her on the phone. It has been just over a year since they lost their 15 month old son suddenly and I have never seen them stronger in their marriage. Only God. They have always had this sickeningly sweet connection but it was glowing even stronger. Only God. She remarked that on the cruise her and her husband loved talking with the workers from other countries and learning their stories. She remarked that she has thought before "why me" in regards to losing her son. After hearing of their lives and reflecting on how blessed we are just being born American her thoughts reflected to, "why me" why am I so lucky. I was so touched. God is so awesome. I feel overwhelmed many times on how amazing it is what God continues to do through my sister Jenny and how that affects my walk... And, I pray and hold to God providing even more beauty and more blessing in her life- more beauty from ashes. God is in the business of transforming pain into something beautiful something amazing in a way we could never forsee. And, I believe he only just begun in my sisters life!

Perfect Saturday!

I love fall festivals. I love women's retreats. I love Fall. I love live music. All these things in one day - it couldn't have been more perfect!

Yesterday a local church had a fall festival with a kids concert, "Go Fish". It was just a perfect day. We ran into a bunch of people from our church and Zachary's school at the concert which made it even more fun --- it had a beautiful community feel to the whole day. This is a pix of Zack watching the concert with a school friend he ran into there.

And, here is Zane dancing!! The weather was perfect and we all had a wonderful time! Sorry it is sideways!!

God's redemptive power...

I hate when I forget important things. Not just where I put my car keys or returning an important email. Well, I hate that too. But, I go through life on automatic pilot and the important stuff dulls sometimes. And, then God in his beautiful beautiful mercy reminds me of his redemptive power.

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

After seeing this it reminded me of participating in something very much like this at my church a year or so ago. I held a sign up saying "Approval Addict" and then it flipped and it said "I'm Enough for Him" on the other side... I felt I had conquered that approval addiction, kicked it. And, I am reminded all over again how far God has taken me but I constantly need to rely on him and be reminded that I am Everything in Christ and nothing without him.

Walking Calendars

A friend of mine used the expression "walking calendars" to describe the craziness of how fast our children grow before our very eyes and yet so slowly we don't even catch it happenning until we have one of those beautiful moments.

My babies are now toddlers and I can not believe it. It so feels like yesterday that I was pregnant with them. I am grieving the loss of my babies because I really love the baby stage. And, yet at the same time I am really enjoying learning more about their little personalities every single day. They are so precious.

Even on days where Zane manages to spill an entire bottle of concentrated laundry detergent and begin swimming in it and then while getting washed off Zoe manages to start playing in the toilet... Even on those days they are so precious. I think more and more about my nephew Carter as they get older and get to be his age... His life, has given me this incredible gift of embracing the challenges with two babies. I get frustrated when Zane escapes the baby gate and starts climbing the stairs while I am knee deep in Zoes poop I get seriously exhausted by all of that. But, I remember sweet Carter and it is like God has used his life, his short life as a testimony to viewing each moment as a gift. My next breath, their next breaths, they are all gifts. It's perspective in a pill. Tears are streaming down my face thinking about it. I am so grateful for them. And, I am so thankful and will CHOOSE to be thankful each day I have with them even if it means mass chaos. I am an emotional ball of mess right now!! Signing off before i start getting really sappy. Just feeling gratefully exhausted right now!

Before I forget to post...

I want to record a new song that has absolutely touched my heart.

It is Allelujah (spelled that wrong maybe?) by Bethany Dillon.

Love. Love. Love it. It makes my soul soar.

God rescue me from the petty...

I heard Gary Haugen say something like this at the Leadership Summit.

God Rescue me from the petty. It was in the context of a very powerful point about being a courageous Christian and not just playing it safe but being all that God has called us to be. Steve and I recently started reading "The purpose driven life" together. A verse in there we were instructed to ponder reminded me of this same thing... Colossians 1:16, "For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible,... everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him."

I feel even as I am typing this that the connection isn't clear. But, it is to me. I really feel I am beginning to understand what it means to find my purpose in Him. The danger is I find petty things intolerable. I want to be rescued from pettiness. I want to be rescued from repetitious conversations. I want to be rescued from pity parties. Both mine and others... But, the truth is it isn't that I need to be rescued from these things but to change my attitude towards these things. It is my approach to these very things that defines my purpose and not that these things define my purpose. Loving God, Loving people. My purpose right... our purpose as Christians. It is so interesting to me the journey that i have been on in regards to people. Finding my purpose in him is also to me about removing yet another layer of my approval addiction. More later... Must go to bed the laundry has buzzed and can be switched :)

Why do number go on forever but people do not?

This is just one of the dozens of incredibly difficult questions Zachary has for me lately. Isn't it crazy what 5 year olds can ask?

Passion...

I forgot how much I love this song:

When the Saints
by Sara Groves

I first heard it at a Christmas concert and bought the CD and listened to it the standard 173 times. I do this with any new song on a CD that I bought the whole CD for. Somewhere in the Spring I realized I had annoyed my family with having played it so much!

They played it at church today and it all came back. How can you not boil over with passion after hearing it? But, then again I am always full of all this emotion. I teared up upon seeing someone holding a "Honk for Hillary" sign on election day... Feelings of Hillary aside, I just love to see someone excercising their voice in what they are passionate about.

It reminds me of that quote from Millers Jazz book, "sometimes you have to see someone love something before you learn to love it yourself." So so true. Another example of my oozing passion that I used to be embarassed about but now I embrace --- Cool Runnings. It was playing on TBS yesterday and seeing those 4 Jamaicans carry their bobsled to the finish after their crash, they didn't give up they were DETERMINED to finish even after failing --- LOVE IT! Zachary asked me why I was crying and I found it quite difficult to explain. It's funny because I don't think it was until the last few years that I realized the beauty in that Steve and I are so different when it comes to passion. Although that sounds as if it is turning into another post, huh?

Here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qEjRLlL9iE

86 the Training Wheels

Auto Pilot

Over the past year I have learned to be more assertive and am quite proud. I am embracing my new responsibilities (on good days at least) and really enjoying growing into the Lion I think I have always been.

One thing I have also noticed over this past year is Mommy Auto Pilot. I think I previously was judgmental to the mom in Target that looked overwrought and just going through the motions. Since 8.30.07 - I GET IT. There are times where you just have to do so much multi-tasking with mundane tasks that you just go on auto pilot. And, I think a certain amount of that is just about efficency and making sure everyone is happy. But, then there are those moments where you check back in and realize just how big and independent your kids are getting. This summer with Zack that is striking me so much.

Skateboards and Meltdowns...

Last weekend Zack bought a skateboard with his own money. He has been begging for this skateboard for probably a year straight. He was so proud to purchase it with ALL of his change from his piggy bank and beamed at the thought that he was finally old enough to get one. That day he simply could not wait to not only open it but ride it. He wanted to ride it immediately in the parking lot. At home with gear on he got on and no sooner did he splat on his back. My heart broke but his will did not. He tried several more times and eventually got the hang of it. His comment later that evening, "I thought it would be easier". He is growing up too fast. It hit me.

This week he passed the swim test at the YMCA. He has been talking about this swimtest for a month. Asking me 837 questions regarding what he has to do to pass it and exactly what perks he will get when he passes it. He was so PROUD again. And, today he couldn't wait to go down the blue slide which he has marveled at since he was 2 years old (no exaggeration).

But, pride does come before a fall even when you are 5 because the boy had 3 major meltdowns this afternoon. Probably fatigue but man oh man, I realize he is growing up but yet still my baby!!!

Let It Be

I have for the first season ever become an American Idol junkie. My pick was Brooke White. My favorite qualities of hers were her sincerity and raw honesty. How can you not love that?

She sang "Let It Be" on the 1st Beetles week and my husband teased me that I think "she" wrote the song :)

I must say at the risk of being a cheese this performance moved me. It spoke to my soul. With everything I have been learning on this journey in this post August 17th world it just really hit me. In particular the line, "in my times of trouble Mary Mother comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let It Be..."

I remember learning Christmas of the significance of Mary's words here. I remember learning how to really imagine culturally she was facing some pretty horrific consequences with her pregnancy but her response wasn't in the natural, she wasn't focused on what awful things could happen to her being a pregnant woman before being married... Her response was in FAITH. It hit me like it never has this Christmas. What an incredible response of faith. I loved learning that this past Christmas. I have heard the Christmas story SO many times growing up in the church and I never GOT that part. And, then after what has happened with Carter... I have tried so hard to understand it but it is not to be understood. I am not God. I took a lot of peace from, "Let It Be". I would sit up nights after the twins were born terrified I would lose them. And, this resopnse of faith is the example I needed. Let it be as you have said, what a measure of faith to live up to! I was inspired!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k68_t4yOQSQ&feature=related

I could write an entire other blog entry on her authenticity...

I saw what I saw...

I have wanted to blog this since January...

I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdP6PqsbJY

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
"I saw my sister leaning into Carters casket, weeping and smiling she was brushing his hair, straightening his clothes"
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
"I heard my sister wailing from the deepest part of her belly while in the bathtub, several of us waited downstairs, it was the saddest sound I have ever heard..."
I know what I know and I can't deny it
"I know that God allows 17 month olds to die unexpectedly and even more shocking--it happened to my sister and her family, denying it doesn't work..."
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
"How could this not cut me to my soul..."
Your pain has changed me
"Jenny's pain, Jon's pain, Chelsea, Jon, Hailey..."
your dream inspires
your face a memory
"Carters face..."
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of(what I am made of)and what I know of love and what I know of God

"to see Jenny and Jon praise God at Carters funeral, do I know that kind of love to my Heavenly Father, to see her church family surround her, do I know that kind of love, to see her family grow stronger, do I know that kind of love, to see Jenny embrace my joys in my life even in the midst of her pain, do I know that kind of love..."

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
"in every tragedy the devil attacks us with what if... what if I held Carter more in July..."
we are what we are and it's more than enough
"we are God's children, his love is more than enough, how do I embrace that love even knowing this"
we have what we have but it's no substitution
"we have memories of him pictures but that is not enough..."
Something on the road, touched my very soul
"I'm scared to death that I will loose one of my babies now I know it does happen."
I say what I say with no hesitation
"I'm scared"
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
"I must remember they are God's children in my care"
I do what I do with deep conviction. Something on the road, changed my world

Busy Addict

Hi, my name is Julie and I am addicted to "busy". I blame my society as a whole. Aren't we all busy addicts. We wear "busy" like a badge of honor. "How are you?" "Busy, Busy, Busy" we respond. I dont' really blame culture but want to put on the table that I am not alone :).

Busy with work.
Up until last summer, I worked part time with my husband. When I think about the insane amount of board commitments, marketing plans and phonecallsI would attempt to make in a day I realize I was INSANE. It never occured to me I was insane until after I finished this season of my life. I am so glad I am out of the sign business... But, that is another tangent.

Busy with kids.
IT is so tempting to enroll Zachary in piano lessons, karate and swimming this summer. I seriosuly have to restrain myself and pick one activity. It's so American. More is better. It's strange because I obviously tripled the number of kids I have but enjoy a much more still life of late.

Busy socially.
I used to think bigger is better, the more the merrier don't leave anyone out. I think I unofficially feel I am a social director at times (that is an actual personality label in one of the many personality tests I love...). The problem is I own others feelings at times with this. I am also an approval addict :)

All this being said, my prayer is that I can learn to Be Still more often. And, be strategically busy.

It reminds me of 1 of the 1,000's of conversations I have had with my sister Jen. The twins were just a few months old and I was feeling cabin fever and chatting with Jennifer... We were covering the normal hopes, dreams, fears - we microwave when it comes to deepness and I love that. Anyways, we were both expressing our "boredom" with our routine. And, yet we found this so interesting because I had a "plethora" of babies and yet she was in lack. (Another post this is why Jennifer is a hero of mine, she never diminishes pain and helped me to rid of my false guilt...) Anyways, almost in the same breath we hit on the verse in phillipians about learning contentment.
"...Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need." (Phil 4 :11-13)

We both expressed our desire to learn contentment in plenty and want... It was a God moment for us both. It was so beautiful to me that though she was in want and I was in plenty we could bond over God's word and pray for eachother in our bitter and sweet journeys to gain contentment in the stillness and in the busy.

"

Back to blogging...

So, I started this blog quite some time ago. I think right after the last post I got pregnant with twins and now they are 8 months old and I am back again :)

I love my title. I have ENDLESS tangents and over analysis of just about everything that God Bless my husband he usually absorbs daily. I continue to journal but with all that has happened in our family from my twins to Carter and being inspired yet again with Jen's blog. I am recommitting to blogging :)